Declining Gifts with Grace - Saying No Thank You

Why saying no thank you might be easier than you think.

After reading my past piece, When Someone Declines and Returns A Gift You Gave, many coming to Gave That have been wondering about the flip side of such a tricky situation. Specifically how to go about saying no to a gift and giving it back? Fortunately the answer to that is rather simple, it's when you probe into why a gift should be returned that things can get murky. First, tackling the easy part of the dilemma, saying no thank you.

That really is all you have to to do. Most of us know about K.I.S.S. and this is the perfect time to stick to that sage advice... keep it simple and stay away from anything drawn out. This shouldn't be a melodrama. A quick, I'm sorry but I cannot except this or you're very kind but no thank you is all there is to it. The need to explain away why you came to this determination is not necessary. Stand firm. Those who truly care about you will fully understand and move on, as seen in the comments left in our past article. It's those who may be showing inklings of a darker nature that will try to manipulate the situation or demand an explanation so that they can counter and show you that you're mistaken and wrong. As the classic etiquette book by Vogue states: "The one thing to avoid (when refusing gifts) is indecision.".

As already mentioned above when to say no can be very gray in nature. When in doubt go with your gut feeling. Listen to it. Unless yours is deeply compromised and has led you down the wrong path in the past (for this professional help might be needed to realign it), let it be your guide. According to a number of researchers and the much buzzed The Luck Factor, book author and physiologist Richard Wiseman explains that those who are some of the most successful in life know how to listen to their intuition and instincts. If you feel uneasy when presented with a gift and something deep is saying give it back, do just that. Declining gifts can be part of setting healthy boundaries in life, for more on this watch this video by one of my favorite YouTuber's, holistic psychotherapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish.

Another help is etiquette itself which can act as a buffer to situations that can turn very bad later on. In my past piece, How To Say No To Gifts, some of the most popular reasons why (some tongue & cheek) you should say no were covered. These include declining expensive gifts from coworkers or a boss which may be seen as fraternization or turn into sexual harassment (for more on this see this from etiquette expert Emily Post). Another major breach of etiquette is to except gifts from someone who is clearly romantically interested in you but, in your heart, know will never have such feelings returned.

In most cases excepting expensive gifts from someone you have just met and do not fully know is to be treated with extreme caution. Some cases have shown those who seem incredibly generous with gifts are actually deeply controlling in relationships and looking to create obligations. They might even use anything given as a way to continue contact once things have ended. In private eye Gavin De Becker's book Gift of Fear he cautions to think about the possible future ramifications of your actions and how accepting things and drawing out the giving back process can end up facilitating stalking. Showing how a simple no thank you with as little emphasis placed on it as possible and moving on can be the best answer to everything.

The Breakup. Another common question is do I have to return gifts once a relationship ends? In the olden days etiquette dictated that gifts went back to the giver if they were "romantic" in nature--right down to love letters so that, if need be, they could be burned by the writer. Nowadays this have become less cut & dry. Although even way back in the 1600's this was cause for debate (see 32 Questions on Love here). During recent conversations someone pointedly said, "why would you want to keep something from such a painful experience? It will always remind you of it and them.". My sentiments exactly.

Again the advice from Gavin De Becker above finds itself very pertinent to these situations as I've seen many cases go into retaliatory litigation, begging the questions, is it really worth it? Probably not. Also look at the laws regarding broken engagements and rings.

A Reason Not To Decline a Gift
One reason some feel the need to decline gifts is because they feel unable to give a gift in return. When it comes to giving and western etiquette this is a non-issue. You are not obligated to give a gift in return, for more on this read this. Deciding to pass on a white elephant or secret Santa gift game is totally understandable but declining gifts out of fear of having to give yourself could be putting up walls and rebuffing loving kindness coming your way. When people give you things for genuine, loving reasons there is zero expectation of repayment in kind. The act of giving is good enough.

Image:Letterary Press These delicate letterpress cards are perfect and even a tad bold for when you rather send your sentiments and return through the post.

Also Read:
- Can I Ask For My Gift Back?
- Return To Sender
- Do I Have To Give A Gift In Return?
- 32 Questions on Love (3 of which are on gifts)